Nitty is gone but not forgotten..........

I had her put down yesterday afternoon.  The day before when I mowed she had to get up to let me get the mower out of the garage and then again to get it back in.  It was a real effort for her to get up but she did.  That night she didn't eat nor that morning either.  I did see her drink water and she went out in the grass and urinated.  That night when I went to close the garage door and she was right under it.....she wouldn't move.  I tried to help by lifting her rear end as that is where she had no strength but she didn't even try to get up.  I ended up having to slide her out of the way so I could close the garage door.  The next morning she was in the same spot and had urinated right where she was so I knew that it wasn't going to get any better.  I took her water and food over to her but she wouldn't have anything to do with it.  She'd had enough and it was time.  I cried and spent the morning with her grooming her and giving her a 'shampoo' which is wet but all natural and you let it dry and then brush her.  I talked to her and explained what was going to take place and that she wouldn't feel a thing except no more pain or struggle.   I still hadn't called the vet or the moving guy but by noon I knew it had to be plus no one would be available on the weekend.  I called the moving guy but no answer and it said no mailbox had been set up yet.  I drove over there as he's only a few blocks away.  He was home and didn't know why his phone wasn't working but he said he would and to let him know what time after I talked to the vet.  I came home and called the vet and they gave me an appointment for 2:45 and so I tried calling the mover guy but still no phone so I drove over there again.  I told  him and he said he'd be over a little after 2:00 p.m as it takes about 1/2 hour to get there.   I waited and waited and he never came.  I was panicking so I called animal control and explained the situation and asked if someone could help me.  I offered to pay these people....I wasn't expecting something for nothing.  She said she couldn't lift as she's just had a baby but that she  would see if one of the police officers were free and if so she'd send one over.  Meanwhile I called the vet and explained the situation and they said not to worry that they were open until 4:00 p.m. and to try and get there before then.    An officer showed up and helped me get her in the car and I took off for the vet.  I told them when I got there but I went back out to the truck to stay with Nitty in the back with the back hatch open.  It gave me more time with her.  The bad part is she was bright eyed and very alert but then she would drop her head like she couldn't hold it up much longer and her breathing was heavy.  I kept telling her her friends at the vets would be there and she always loved them and was excited to see them.  Little did I know when they came out I didn't recognize a one of them!  There was even a new vet whom I'd never seen before!  I felt like I'd  lied to Nitty....there wasn't one person in that office that I recognized.  Dr. Mills must have cleaned house but I wish she would have sent out a letter informing her customers.  So, the new vet was very good and older....not fresh out of vet school thank goodness!  It went smoothly and Nitty was great as always even up to the end.....but you're still shocked when they're 'gone' and you almost want to say....'wait, stop, I've changed my mind' but you can't be selfish when you love someone....not if you really love them.  They will cremate her which I really don't like for some reason but I can't bury her so there's no real choice.  I paid the bill which was more than I remembered in the past but then everything goes up.....there went my budget! LOL!
I had planned on going to Walmart that day so I went ahead and went.  I didn't need a lot and I knew my eyes were red from crying but it's allergy season too so I wasn't too concerned.  I put on my sunglasses and got what I needed and came home.  I cried almost all the way home until I realized it was interfering with my vision so I pulled myself together.  It's funny,  when you lose someone you love you look around and see the world still going; people laughing, cars going places and you want the whole world to stop because yours just did.  I am devastated, even though I knew it was coming but I will miss her so much and the tears will be shed every time I think of her.  It comes and goes...you get busy and then all of a sudden there it is...she's gone and you can't get your breath and it's literally a physical ache in your heart thus the word heartache evidently.  I always pray for a sign that whoever has passed is alright and I've gotten those signs.  I slept like a log last night as I was physically and emotionally exhausted but this morning.....a bark woke me up and I sat right up in bed!  It wasn't Annie and my windows were closed.....I know it was Nitty letting me know she was alright.  Another thing happened that is so strange.  I love robins but they come here in early Spring and leave to go  up North and I don't see them until Fall again.  This morning when I opened my curtains there were robins all over my yard.  You may think I'm crazy and maybe I am....crazy with grief but it made me feel better that Nitty is fine and someday, hopefully we will be together again.  They say that when you pass over there will be people that loved you that will be there to greet you.  I have a feeling there will be more animals to greet me than humans and that's okay with me.